The fantasies of a bored girl at work.

There are thoughts I have, from time to time. They are not strictly ok. Times where you pass me by, our hands touch for a second and lighting shoots through me. It’s not ok, I tell myself. It’s not ok to think of you in this different light. This side of me continues to weave secret stories in to my subconscious, flashes of your hands gripping me tightly, your teeth grazing my neck as I arch against you. It’s not ok.

I take my self away from you. In another life time maybe. Work bores me; I sit lifelessly at a desk and think over the mediocre chores of the day. Letting my mind slip to you from time to time, I drift between different situations, different places. My mind settles on one.
Lying side by side in the grass, the sun beating down on my face, there’s little to say in a place like this, comfortable silence seems more appropriate. The wind blows gently over us and brings the warm smell of your skin with it; I inhale deeply and breathe a sigh of satisfaction, who knew a person could smell so good.  We aren’t close, not close enough to touch unless I reach out, but I crave you, I crave the feeling of your skin on mine, the thought of it makes me prickle with anticipation.  You’re lying on your back, face towards the sun, one arm lazily strung over your face, the other at your side, I slide my hand across the soft grass and slowly meet your fingers and even the slightest touch is enough to make me want them in me.
Its getting later now, but the hot summer air persuades those who crave each other to stay and watch the sun set.  The deep purples and reds create a glow over the lake that’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I gaze over to you, you’ve moved your arm now, no longer needing shade, you watch me. Your blue eyes looking in to mine. God those eyes, it’s enough that I want you with just your smell, but those eyes could break me. Cristal blue, like nothing I’ve ever seen before, soft but with a longing in them, for me perhaps?
The people leave one by one as the night sky takes over this picturesque place. No one left but us. It takes my everything not to leap on you. We’re sitting now; the warm air has passed and gives way to a cool breeze. You suggest we walk, you stand and offer your hand to help me up, I take it and we walk. The willow trees hang like silk at the water’s edge, silver streaks along their long arms, light reflecting of anything wet. Were walking side by side and I can feel you brush against me; I’d give anything to be under you.
I trip and stumble over a tree root in front of a huge willow, luckily missing the water’s edge, its dark and I’m clumsy in my dazed state. Not focused, not paying attention. You laugh as your hand reaches out to help me, you pull me to me feet, stabilising me in front of you, one hand on the small of my back the other still holding mine. I step backwards and lean on to the tree’s thick trunk. Your eyes even shine in the dark, drawing every bit of light to them and exploding. You step forward, still smiling that beautiful smile of yours, perfect white teeth in a cheeky grin, amused by my lack of stability. Standing with my back against the tree and looking up in to your eyes, all I can think is kiss me. You know me well enough; you can read me like a book. Stepping forward, you take my hand and place it against the tough bark of the tree, leaning in to me, your body just touching enough of me to send me wild, your hair falls over your eyes as you dip your head, a smile playing over your mouth. Your other hand strokes my side, electricity shooting all over my body as I long for your lips on mine. Your grip tightens on my side holding me in place and you lean in to brush my mouth with yours, the softest of gestures and you know it drives me wild. Your lips slide to my neck, teasing me, hard teeth bite at the soft skin causing me to squirm under your touch and you know how much I want you.

Your fingers play at my side, feeling your way under my shirt, bringing my skin to life under your touch as thousand senses beg you to fuck me. Still kissing me, you slide down my body, lifting my shirt; you kiss my stomach, my hips and your hands moves to my thighs softly stroking them. You push my skirt up slowly, your lips move to kiss me there. I’m dripping already. Softly licking and kissing me, tasting the sweetness of my pussy you push one finger deep in to me and I let out a moan for you.
I can feel myself building; I want nothing more than to cum for your tongue, but I’m not stupid, I know you want to fuck. I’m begging you to fuck me. Standing to un buckle your belt, you push your jeans over your hips and It’s enough to make me drop to my knees, desperate to taste you. I take your cock in my hand, you’re hard. Gently I kiss you, feeling the air rush out of your lungs as I slide you in to my mouth. You hands slide to the back of my head and guide my over your cock. As I move faster, taking more of you in to me, your breath quickens, I can feel your urgency, your greed, your hips move with me, you hand holds my face, one round my throat making sure I take it all, fucking my face as you fill my mouth with your sweet warm liquid. You step back to admire how I look, you’ve pulled my t-shirt down in the process and so I’m kneeling partially naked, looking up at you, hair roughed up, the left over shine of cum dripping down me, a perfect picture of abuse.
You come to sit by me, a hazy look on your face, relaxed and content. With a gentle push I’m on my back and your face is buried in my chest, teeth gently biting at my nipples, fingers stroking my pussy. Your body is strong you push apart my legs roughly with you knee and move over me. I can feel your jeans strain against me, your hard already, your belt still undone, you move closer, hands now entwined in my hair, pulling my head back slightly. You kiss my neck, teeth sinking in to me, sharp and painful. I wrap my legs around your waist and feel you hard cock pressing against me, so I lift my hips, you slide in to me, I can’t help but let out a cry of pleasure as you fill me. Your rough, you pull, you slap, you scratch me as you fuck me, all I can do is beg you for more as I my orgasm builds. Your hands move to my throat and cut my breathing down by half, it’s euphoric. I can only last a few seconds before I explode over you.

 

Reality, it’s a bitch. Work bores me; I sit lifelessly at a desk and think over the mediocre chores of the day. Letting my mind slip to you from time to time, I drift between different situations, different places…..

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Its all in the mind. A glass half empty kinda week.

So.. it been a while. With all the stuff going on at home I have barely had a chance to sit down and write anything. 

We have just had a new resident join us.. well 7 to be precise. Molly (names when she arrived) and her 6 kitten came to the Jungle three days ago and are settling well. Molly is a beautiful tabby cat with so much love to give, she just gushes at you every morning and night and every minute in between. She is being a very doting mother and seems to be coping very well. The kittens are now fully ‘awake’ and are approximately 12 days old.  

So.. yes its all been quite busy here, among other animals coming and going and house searching.. I really have struggled to find the time for anything else. I have (naughtily) booked some time off work for my self today. I intend to do the cleaning and then veg out on the sofa. A welcome treat. So that’s me updated ish. Now to the point in question… 

 

It is becoming increasingly apparent the great differences in the sexes, by just trying to buy a house with a male I have come to realize that they are an alien species with little feelings and no compassion. I have also realize women are bat shit crazy and are far to emotional about small things. Not that its purposely done this way.. its not that we go out of our way to cry when things go wrong (I’m not a cryer) but that we simply have very strong underline feelings about certain situations that warrant a good emotional flail once in a while. 

I miss my chap when hes not here. Normally I’m a ‘take every day as it comes’, kind of gal, you know, wake up, stretch, smile, greet the world and  get on with it the best I can. I enjoy being on our poor forsaken planet, I love my job, my family and even the cleaning…. but I do miss him. Now here’s where we differ, I see our situation as something we are changing, we are buying a house and we will be a bigger whole after, one unit rather than split down the middle and I look forward to that, as does he. But… I am getting less and less optimistic about the current situation, its grating on me that I don’t spend a great deal of time with him. Now in hours, we spend a lot of time together. If you were to time it, it would be many many hours. But the difference is I don’t feel like we do. Women will understand when I say ‘I spend physical time with him, but I don’t spend TIME with him’. Men will think I’m mad. 

Bloke is home for half the week and as a man he doesn’t see the points I’m making. Its like the glass half empty/ glass half full scenario. I see my time away from him as being half empty, he sees the half week with me as being half full. Now this is the right way of doing it, the positive way. The healthy way. So why is it that all I see is half an empty cup!! 
I say ‘come and spend more time over here’, he says he can’t its difficult, he has to wash the car, he has to see his mother, he has to wash his clothes. For the record, I have a washing machine, I have water for car washing, I have everything. It’s beginning to drive me insane. It feels lacking in commitment. I don’t ask for diamonds, I don’t expect meals out or treats, I only wish he wanted to spend more time here.. If only to ensure we can live in a coexistence, before we throw £130’000 + at a building were going to share indefinitely.

I have often described my chap as being a deer dresses as a bear. Not that he likes to dress as animals. Hes a large man, tall and very muscly, hes the kind of bloke you see bench pressing the kids at the park. Like a bear, fuzzy, huge and strong, however hes actually a deer, a sweet caring man under this hard exterior that is petrified of doing things wrong and nervous, he hates the idea of failure, he also suffers the ‘deer in headlight’ effect. As in, if you push him or corner him, he will freeze and it will take a while to get any sign of human back. He is his own worst enemy. But its all for good reason, hes not afraid of commitment so much as, he wants to make sure no one will be hurt. He doesn’t make decisions lightly and he takes a long time to think things through, especially when money is concerned. He will not unnecessarily spend anything, ever. 

So I know why hes being cautious, hes making sure, hes anylising the situation, thinking through the options, hes making sure we look for the best, the top end for our money, the house and arrangement that will best suit us. The problem is, I’d live in a shed.. as long as it was with him. A compromise must be met. I don’t want to wait 10 years to have a family and our home… 

 

Men.. strange old creatures. 

Grief comes in many colours.

Today is a tough day.
For all the hard exterior, I am just a little girl underneath. I long to belong, just like others, I need to be loved and I cry. I miss what was taken from me.
I miss my child.

This week has been really naff, I’ve struggled to hold it all together in all honesty. Work has driven me to the point of near madness. I’ve had some very strenuous debates with my extended family about the choices I’ve made with things recently and I feel very unsupported.

My chap,  for all his love and wonderful that he is, he is not an emotional person. He doesn’t feel out loud and because of this I think he struggles to recognise when I need some support. Equally,  because he doesn’t show his feeling,  I worry that I don’t offer him support, because I’ve struggled to recognise when he needs it. He’s the strong and silent type.

Well I could do with sone cuddles right now.

I have found my self asking ridiculous questions,  bargaining with some unknown force for the chance to see him or hear his voice.

How tall are you now Thom? How do wear your hair? Did your eyes stay deep blue or are they hazel like mine?

I wonder if Connor would be different had he had the opertunitie to grow up with you as a big brother?

Ugh.. Well today is just going to be one of those days.

I’m sorry to the people I’ve snapped at this week, this month. I’ve not been my self, I’ve been stressed and it’s shown. I’ve said some pretty crap things to a few and a very crap thing to one, sadly I’ve brburnt that bridge now and it won’t be built up easily.

Miss you Thomas. Love mom. X

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Connor playing with beans and sausage.

A top list of top things to do with your kids.

To many children are left with little or nothing to do at the weekends, working parents are busy and skint and it can be difficult to prepare for a full day trip if you don’t have a full day spare. This is a list of things my son and I like to do, mostly cheap, but more aimed at getting them doing something other than sitting watching TV.

1: Build a den/ fort or princess castle.
Grab the dinning room chairs and get them out of the way, with either an old sheet or blanket, cover over the table and proceed to fill the underneath with as many pillows/ bedding/ cuddly toys and games as possible. Put a lamp or torch in there, make a fun finger food lunch and play for the next 3 hours with the kids- priceless fun with the people who mean the most to you.

2: Ride a bike! Nearly everyone has a piece of green land near where they live, grab a back pack and blanket, pack a nice lunch (hot milk or chocolate if it’s cold) and go for an adventure. Children nowerdays spend so much time sat in side and they miss the beauty of the world.

3: Garden camping. If like most working parents, you find it hard to get out or do over night trips, why not host a garden camp for you and a couple of kids. It’s safe and In summer can be very mild. Get a chuck away bbq (or use an existing one) and let the kids have a go at (supervised) grilling, make a fire if you have a place to do so and read/ tell stories for a while. Cut up fruit and skewer marshmallows, melt chocolate (in the house) and have a fondue for pudding. If the kids decide they don’t want to stay out side for the night you can bring them in at dark and put them up stairs to bed.

4: Sports/ activities: Football, cricket, rock climbing, badminton etc etc. These are mostly free. The indoor sports (in the UK) are free to children at some pulse point gym’s.

5: Go on a photo walk, take your kids to a woodland area and allow them to go mad with your camera/ phone, give them lists of things to find, ladybugs, ant, worm. Bird spotting can be good at different times of the year.

6: Arts and crafts. Find me a child under the age of 10 that doesn’t want to get covered in felt, pen, paint, clay, play doh, etc etc. Go to the local super market and ask for a couple of spare card board boxes, they go wild creating fantastic cars or forts, maybe a new toy box, a space ship.
Craft shops have glitter, glue, all the necessary things to make a mess with.

These years go by so quickly, make the most of them. This weekend, my son and I, with my brother and the bloke are making a picnic and going to Stratford to hire a boat and go down the river, camera in hand, a joys day planned with the family I love.
We also just went to the NEC this weekend for the FREE Big bang, science fair. It was great. Here’s a pic.

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The problem with life…

Right now I feel awful. 

I mean there are people in a far worse of situation than I and this is one reason to feel more awful. I’m sad that I can’t move forward, I’m sad that my attempts are failing right now. I want things that are right in front of my face and there just not in reach.. well they are in reach, my hands just cant grab at them for one reason or another. Its depressing. 

Every body wishes they had more, everybody wishes they had done one thing or another different, even if only slightly. 

Life is hard my friends.. very very hard. 

A spot of mud went in my mouth…

I love to walk in rural/ sub rural places, it brings a real sense of freedom and relief after a long week at work, so today I baked some muffins, made some cheese salad cobs and chucked some fruit in my back pack and headed to Earlswood lakes with small (Connor), my brother, the mother and dog.

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Donning our wellies we tackled the muddied paths through the woodland, emerging brown and laughing. We then spent two glorious hours walking round the lakes in the sun, photographing various birds and scenery.

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Finn, the dog decided to jump elaborately over a particularly wet mud pit and in the process, flicked mud in to my mouth.. I can’t say I was overjoyed with my extra meal.. But all in all the trip was a success!  I love spending time with the family.

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In other news,  we viewed another house.. A bigger house.. A nicer house.

We have a second viewing this week. Fingers crossed!!

Happy evening XoX

Through the rain, comes the sun. (The rain is my tears… big fat, wet tears by the way).

So today was the day it all went to poop. (Not literally, that would be gross). As you may remember my partner and I have been ‘biding’ on our neighbors house, that perfect kitchen, the lovely built in dishwasher, the mirror of our current house with an extended kitchen, only it would be ours. Well now it won’t be, the game has ended, the final offers went in on Thursday and ours was not enough… Mr & Mrs Next door have gone with the other party. I would love to say “its OK, there will be others” but I’m finding it difficult to do so. I promised I would remain mature and understand that buying a house is all down to who  will pay the most, there are no strategies, no winning moves, just good old fashion money wars and we lost the war. 

I have baked 18 cupcakes to make me feel better about the situation. Lemon & vanilla. Chocolate & chocolate and walnut & chocolate. 

I make make a fruit loaf too. 

 

I’m off to cry some more.

Have a pleasant day to all. 

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Here’s a picture of Connor & I at the German market 2013